Maybe!

Maybe every moment of it was meaningless,
but all of it - had a meaning.

Maybe I had to walk on such paths. Maybe,
just to tell a story; Maybe!

~In memories of year 2005~

Road

Aura of mystery swooping down the hushed lonesome road. Half step forward I could feel what was forsaken behind aversely. I was charmed, in love with the unkind night which bestowed misery upon me. Footsteps stopped without I knowing why - down on one knee I grabbed small pebbles on side-road and squeezed them to extend. Frail eyes could sense the pain and muffed to hold it anymore, without notice, they dripped the pain on the closed hand. That tear made me open my hand, and free those pebbles. It did hurt - even after all what happened bypast. I glanced back and then ahead - a mirror image of road. An unwilling but satisfying smile on my face as I stood up and started walking on road, anew. I walked on whispering to myself: It will always hurt the same way, so why worry what happened in the past; there's still road ahead of you!

Timeless Moment is ...

A moment that happened, but didn't ever exist

Timeless Moment

In a chirpy tone I said 'bye' and hung up. Then I took a deep breath to calm my nerves down. Laying straight on my bed I looked up towards the ceiling with a confused smile. I closed my eyes hard for about two seconds and when I opened them, there was a blurry vision as I noticed a hint of watery eyes. That nine feet gap till the ceiling seemed lesser and lesser. I felt suffocated while at the same time mixed emotions were going through my mind.

I jumped off the bed and walked towards my roommates drawer in a quiet, stealthy gait. I picked up the Marlboro pack along with the lighter from the top and prepared to leave the room with my car keys checked. As I opened the door a cool breeze of dorms' hallway froze me for a second or so. I pulled out my jacket and with swift feet walked towards the parking lot.

Soon as I opened the dorms door and took the first step out in the open, a chilled aroma of air touched me ever so tenderly. It made me close my eyes and allured me to take a deep breath; I kept my eyes closed for a while as the frail air kissing my face. I snuffed the air making my mind being in a state of narcosis, as of being drugged by the sweetness of nature and as if knowing how to breathe again; and as if ...

I opened my eyes and said to myself without a voice, 'I can breathe again'. The night was so calm and quiet - I could hear my footsteps as I walked towards my car. The chilled breeze was chanting in the air and a slight blow of wind made the empty tin-can roll around creating a creaky sound. I was standing next to my car when I noticed those thoughts getting to me. I hurried and drove off to the East.

Once on the highway I turned my mp3 system and it played the first track 'Addat'. I don't know when, but soon the flashback was playing like a black & white movie. Maybe because it all happened in the car, just the two of us, she was driving, when:

Izza: I'm leaving on 8th for Lahore - getting married.

(Me) Danish: What?

It was one of those 'Whats' you didn't know how to react at. But I knew it was coming; she knew him for 10 years and they had commitments. He was making big money, and even Izza was an earning girl. They were made for each other; while I ... I was strolling around with raw feet. Uncertain future, ambition still to be accomplished - I cussed my life never to have given me a chance to say her; to say her what I can give her in life. I guess I was always late, without will. She was almost two years elder to me; and maybe that's where I lost her - the moment even before I knew her.

Izza: Come on! you knew it.

Danish: Yeah, but ... don't you think it all happened a bit too fast?

Izza: Well, I always knew that I'm gonna marry him. Its just the time, and we both think it's the right time. He thinks ...

She kept going and I kept looking straight at the road lost in my own thoughts - I could hear something inside of me yelping; "You lost Danish, you lost - you're a punk. You're out of the picture Dani ..."

I was never in the picture, and I lost a game which I never played - I was just the 12th man.

Her talking and my thoughts were interrupted when her mobile rang; It was tangled up with her key chain.

Izza: Dani, theek kardo na

I pressed the talk button on her mobile and held it next to her ear; she kept talking, and kept driving, while I ... I kept being the 12th man holding her mobile and trying to get it untangled.

'Love' is not the word you'll find in my dictionary. I think its a word that's a ridicule of your inner feelings. But as I was being a 12th man and trying to untangle the key chain - I felt like taking a glimpse at her! Till this day I can't recall what actually happened after that - It was a pause for eternity. I was in a Timeless world, a world that lasted forever. I remember writing about this moment, when I wrote: Forever and Ever

It was not love though; it was an unexplainable feeling, a desire that I knew could have never been mine. As if being so close to it, but in the end not having it.

When we got out of the car I started walking without waiting for her, a lost walk. Then ...

Izza: Dani ... Thanks!

I turned to her and smiled. It was not just a thanks - It was as if she felt like hugging me tight and saying thanks for all those countless times we spent together, those times we stuck to one another. But she couldn't and I knew it too. That day we were both helpless. We were just ... complete strangers!

The flashback vanished like a splash of water and I applied the brakes on as I got off the highway. I lost track of time and forgot to smoke; so I pulled off to the closest coffee shop. You could always count on Tim Horton's double-double coffee!

Parked my car and got out; eyes inquiring the scene but everything seemed alienated and the voice in my head: "Where am I?" I went inside and noticed it was fairly empty though there were still two people ahead of me, to order.

I waited, meantime, I took a cigarette out of the Marlboro pack and started tapping it on the pack. There were three people sitting; one was a middle-aged, well-dressed suited man who was lost in papers around him. The other two, a couple sitting together having a heated discussion. Both roughly around 20 years of age. I kept my eyes on the interesting drama; she was about to cry while the dude kept on accusing. He finally stood up, picked up his coffee and left in a fierce tone. She yelled at him;

Girl: That was my coffee, you ...

He left, and without completing her sentence she rested her elbows on the table while held her head in anguish. She was frustrated!

I got my turn and ordered a medium double-double. The lady asked me if 'that'll be all' and then I took a quick glimpse at the girl.

Danish: Make it two double-double please; and that'll be all.

In my 22 years I realized that when it comes to girls; you should always take the chance in hand. So I went for it, with soft intentions though!

"First impression is the last impression" - I don't adhere to it all the time, but I would never want to jeopardize my chances; so I tried to come up with the best line, and impression, I possibly could. I got the coffee, walked up to her and placed one on her table - she looked up, straight at me. Those green eyes, hiding behind those glasses looked so naive, confused and somewhat stunned.

Danish: I think you may need this!

She looked at the coffee and then back at me:

Girl: No, it's okay!

Danish: Hey! I already got mine, and I can't drink two, so ...

She smiled, and I returned the favor. I lifted my right hand slightly, holding the cup, as if to say 'bye' and started walking towards the door.

Girl: Hey ....

I smiled, with a grin on my face and my wicked mind going; "Yes, yes yes yes!". I turned, expressionless, as she continued.

Girl: ...why don't you join me?

I wanted to say 'yes' but words came out differently;

Danish: Aa ... No! I mean I have to smoke, so ...

Said it as if I would die without a smoke. I exposed the cigarette in my left hand and gave a "Can't help it" shrug to her. Then I turned and went outside.

Timmy's staircase was wide, so I picked a corner, leaned against the wall and went lost! I sat like a boozed up homeless freak, legs stretched, coffee in right hand and cigarette in left, pinned between the index finger and thumb. I was hoping that the girl would come out soon - but soon everything vanished inside of me.

I kept staring at the cars passing; red light, green light, red light, green light - they stopped and they drove off. I kept taking a sup and a puff until I was out of both.

I got hold of myself, leaned forward, sat properly with legs close, and gazed at Timmy's front door on my left. I didn't want to leave. I took another cigarette out and placed it between my lips. I held the lighter in my right hand and started playing with it; light, no light, light, no light.

While I was busy playing with the light, I heard footsteps approaching towards me; I didn't dare looking. They stopped:

Girl: Hiiiiiiiii

I looked at my left, it was her; she was hugging her chest tightly to protect herself from the chilled breeze. I gave her a friendly nod.

Girl: One for me?

I couldn't refuse and pulled one slightly out of the pack and presented to her. She came close, helped herself with the cigarette, and sat right next to me. I lit her cig first and then my own. She took a puff and said:

Girl: I was thinking you must've left, but still came on to check!

Danish: I tought of leaving, but ...

Girl: But?

When it comes to girls, one more thing that I say: If she comes to you first then always be honest; but if you go to her then always pretend to be honest. So I was honest:

Danish: But I thought I'll wait a little longer for ...

Girl: For?

Danish: For you!

Girl: Are you flirting with me?

I looked at her,

Danish: Am I?

Girl: Yes!

So I was. I didn't know what to say and started looking straight at the road again. She kept staring at me - I could notice; but I didn't bother looking back. She observed me and said ...

Girl: Why do you keep staring at the road?

Danish: It gives me peace.

She laughed ...

Girl: Okayyyyyy! You sound like you're from a different planet.

I looked at her, straight in those green eyes. She knew where I was looking; she came close, looked from top of her glasses and in a humorous way popped her eyes out. As so that I can see them clearly. I gave that mischievous smile and kept staring; then the shyness came and she looked away.

She was gorgeous. She had those shoulder height, slight curly, shiny two-colored blonde hair. They were neatly pulled up, with a headband exposing her forehead. While the trendy thick framed glasses kept those mystic eyes hidden. In the dim shades of light, she looked even more ravishing, especially with that exquisite smile of her.

I looked straight again and said:

Danish: That guy was pissed!

Girl: O Kevin, he's a jerk ... I broke up with him - so now he just bothers me.

She carried on ...

Girl: We use to study here back in high-school. We as in my girls and I. They went out to different college; so now it's just me. I come here daily - good memories.

We carried on talking for another 5 - 10 minutes till my mobile rang. It was my roommate; I told him 'I'll be there'

Girl: So I guess you'll be leaving?

Danish: I guess.

We both stood up and hugged to say 'bye'. She stood there while I started walking towards my car. When I got to the car I looked back at her; she was smiling and then with a curious look on her face she asked:

Girl: Hey ... what's your name?

I promptly replied ...

Danish: They don't have names at my planet.

She pointed at me with an 'I'll getcha' expression ....

Girl: Youuuuu ... and they have mobile at your planet?

Danish: Technology is everywhere woman, and plus, some names are better untold?

Girl: Well, ...

I didn't. I winked at her, clipped my cap a notch up and then back down - a sweet farewell. Sat in the car and looked at her for the last time; she kept smiling and with that I drove off to the West.

Sometimes you fail to spot where to draw the line between reality and illusion. When she hugged me I realized how it felt to be at the edge of reality and illusion. Not because it was the most-precious-moment in my life, instead, it was a Timeless Moment ; and as soon as I stepped in the car and drove away - that moment ended. And - I came back to reality.

Diagnostic World ...

The world's not made for us to live, but for us to know how to live

Tomorrow

To know if there will be a tomorrow is to know if the next step you take is the right one